How Not to Display Your Genitals if You Are a Female or Perhaps a School

A couple of weeks ago, we talked about when not to display your genitals. It was mostly in the context of political scandals involving men, but were you aware that women can also display their genitals?

It's true! Sometimes this happens by accident. A woman will remove her clothing and allow photographs to be taken for private use by a boyfriend, husband, or Hugh Hefner. The photographer then betrays that trust, making the photographs available to the entire world. This is terrible. But at some point down the line, a few canny young starlets realized that if this were to "accidentally" happen to them, they could feign outrage (and who doesn't love that?) while also gaining both attention and sympathy from the public.

Except, of course, it doesn't work. They only thing we love more in America than looking at pictures of genitals is loudly condemning the people who are showing them to us. (Also, maybe looking at pictures of breasts. I'm not entirely sure what the hierarchy is on that.) And so when people started popping out of limousines without their panties, we weren't falling for it - at least not entirely. "Look at her," we'd tsk, frantically refreshing our browsers. "What was she THINKING, going out half-dressed like that?"

"Disgusting! Source, please!"

It especially looked desperate when Britney Spears did it, at the nadir of her popularity, less than two weeks after Paris Hilton was photographed doing more or less the same thing. We weren't buying the notion that these people were the victims when they were telegraphing their punches so obviously.

But we WERE falling for it in the less subtle way, the way that really mattered. Because while the sympathy failed to issue forth, the attention came pouring out, gushing like a swollen river. It works all around - we get to have our cake and be snotty about it, Britney Spears gets attention, and everyone goes home happy. (Except feminists, and people who like dignity.)

Nowadays, the cool thing to do is to take pictures of yourself with your smartphone. (Please see Rihanna, Blake Lively, and Vanessa Hudgens. Or rather, don't see them, because I'm not linking to them. Pervert.)

Above: Either a single pixel of something unspeakably naughty, or something I made in Microsoft Paint.

Unfortunately, none of what I'm writing here is new information. It's not novel; it's not challenging; it's not important. The whole path is as worn-down and tired as - well, I'll let you extrapolate your own metaphors, hopefully under the heavy influence of the above prose.

So why bring it up? Why discuss it?

I attend the University of Central Arkansas. This is actually the Gritty Reboot of my college career, having been dissatisfied with the results of my Actual Career. I came back to learn that the old alma mater was under New Management. Old Management, it turns out, had been embezzling quite a bit of money in quite a lot of novel ways - not really surprising, to be honest, but still sad. But while Old Management was terrible and greedy, they got things done. The school grew almost exponentially. The Honors College became a template copied all over the nation. The average ACT score shot up - they were well upon the way to becoming reputable. Prestigious even.

Conversely, upon receiving our stimulus money, New Management decided to rip up all of the shiny, new sidewalks (only a couple of years old!) and replace them with slippery, newer sidewalks. Why? BECAUSE, that's why. I'll admit they've got a lot to deal with. Having your President arraigned doesn't do a lot for the morale of a school, and it does a lot less in the arena of public opinion. They needed to turn the tide of their publicity fast. They did the only logical thing:

That's right. They took off the school's panties, and stepped out of the limo. That is more than purple and grey turf. It's more than the ugliest damn football field you've ever seen. It is both a plea for attention, and a cry for help. How to help? Well, that, I'm afraid, is a bit out of my league. (Much like UCA, now that it's moved into Division I.) Not to mention that, as a person with a psychology degree, I'm endlessly irritated by the Dr. Phils of the world, judging problems and prescribing solutions from afar, for (once again) the sake of attention. But I do know that this should never have existed. It's like I've tumbled into an alternate Earth where things are happening that shatter everything I know about the way reality works.

Thing is, I held onto this post for awhile before publishing it. I thought it was too harsh, or that my extended metaphor might have a few holes in it. Then I read this, from our athletic director, Dr. Brad Teague: “Whether it’s positive or negative, people are talking about UCA on a national stage and we’ve never had that."

Indeed! We may be a laughingstock everywhere from the New England Sports Network to Sports Illustrated, but at least we're getting attention! You know where that philosophy gets you?

YEAH, you do.