How Not To Display Your Genitals: A Practical Guide

As many of you are now aware, Anthony Weiner has come out and admitted to sending photographs of his genitals to a number of presumably hapless ladies. I find this regrettable. Not only was I fond of Rep. Weiner, (I recently remarked that if aliens ever uncover our ruins, they would probably mistake his C-SPAN footage for a remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington), but I'm dreading the onslaught of "Weiner" single-entendres that the news is going to dig out and parade around as though they were clever.

It's not like appalling behavior from a politician is anything new. George Washington signed the Fugitive Slave Act into law after one of his slaves, Oney Judge, escaped from him. (To see a filmed version of this incident starring Danny McBride as Washington and narrated by a drunk, indignant history major, please do click here.) Thomas Jefferson had an illicit affair with a slave, Sally Hemmings, and may have been the father of any number of her seven children. And Benjamin Franklin bounced from French whore to French whore like a horny pinball, and once wrote a treatise on the proper selection of a mistress.

And yet, the specific act - that of sharing images of one's genitals through electronic means - does have about it a certain novelty. The impulse may be old, but the method is new, and I have therefore taken it upon myself to guide you through this brave, new world. "Technology has changed everything!" You might say. "How do I know when and where to display my genitals?" The answers, my friend, are right here.

1. When you meet people, one of the things you can assume about them is that they don't want to see your genitals.

Seriously, just go ahead and add that to your list of things you know about somebody. When you're taking mental inventory of someone, include it. "This is Bob. He works in sales. Inside sales, not outside. Those guys don't like each other, so don't get them confused. He's concerned about his ongoing divorce, and could probably use some sympathy. He probably does not want to see my genitals."

This advice also works on people you don't know as well:
"Wow! That girl running by sure did look good in that leotard! And she's brunette! I love brunettes! She probably does not want to see my genitals!"

2. Be very cautious when adjusting this perspective.
If someone makes it clear that they DO want to see your genitals, fine. Adjust your worldview to incorporate this new information, and act (or don't) from there. But the basis from which you operate should be the opposite, and it should take you a fair bit of convincing to get you to change your position.

3. Find an appropriate outlet for your genitals.
Finally, if you absolutely MUST share your genitals with the world, please do so in the Socially-Designated Appropriate Manner, through rap songs. Not only are photographs more distressing, but as many of you know, the camera will steal your soul, and possibly the soul of your genitals.

This is what I do. In fact, you should probably look for my singles, "Where My Dick Is At" and "Love My Penis (So Much That I Wrote It a Song)" right here on these very Internets in short order. What you should not look for is pictures of my genitals, because you shall not find them.

Not that I can imagine that you would look for them, because I assume (practicing what I preach) that you do not wish to see them.