12.17.2015

This Carly Fiorina Video is Baffling

Here are some thoughts that I had while watching this video featuring actual, serious Presidential candidate Carly Fiorina.


1. "President Obama ate one of your cousins. Vote Republican." Wait...what?!

2. The inclusion of so much footage of the dogs trying to get away from her while she talks about how great dogs are does not make her endearing.

3. Okay, so other candidates are trying new things, right? Lots of people are doing Fallon, or Kimmel. Hell, Bernie Sanders just did an interview with a rapper who reached out to him on Twitter. Granted, he's a phenomenal internationally-famous rapper who's also committed to community engagement and improvement, but still, this wouldn't have happened 10 years ago. New Media has become old news and people are changing how they interact with the world, which you can see in coverage of Bernie vs. Hillary - Bernie (or his people) are way more Internet-savvy, and it's changing the narrative. Still, this is not how you New Media. This isn't how you do...anything.

4. I am watching a former Fortune 500 CEO (admittedly a failed one who slashed shareholder value by more than half) and allegedly-serious contender for the position of "leader of the free world" eating dog biscuits while stock-music ragtime plays in the background. The universe is failing to make sense on a level that's beginning to feel like a personal betrayal.

5. OH NO SHE DID NOT JUST SAY "Dogs never tell me to smile more." That is just such a naked, out-of-nowhere grab for the feminist vote that she should be embarrassed for herself.

6. "Let's make sure to include a scene where the dogs go nuts and people come from off camera to help her, because nothing says 'I can lead the country' like losing control of 5 dogs." I get that this happens on film sets, but why did they include it in the video?

7. "Not even OBAMA has a cat." Ha! Obama! I mean, screw that guy, right?! So thanks, Carly, now you've not only managed to alienate possible centrists who voted for Obama last time, but also cat people.

8. Oh but wait but now she's waffling on the cat people thing.

9. Then she tries to shoehorn in the sympathy-getter of Jimmy Kimmel's "Celebrities Read Mean Tweets About Themselves" with the Cruella De Ville crack.

10. and then we get weirdly meta with dogs watching the video and while "Are those treats? Oh HELL yeah" sounds like something I would suggest saying at the end of a video like this, that's 100% why it's a terrible idea to actually do it.

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