Texhebas, the Heart of the American Railroad

During the Super Bowl (an annual ritual in which I sometimes participate, the various arcana of which I shall not bore you with here) this advertisement ran:

Now, I haven't honestly watched the whole thing, but my various perplexed friends on the Internet inform me that it is a video of a country singer. There is a song in his heart, and that song is about the Texas-based pharmacy chain HEB. What my friends heard that vexed them so was apparently the singer informing the listener that one cannot spell "Texas" without the letters H, and E, and B. This caused a great deal of confusion, which I will now attempt to dispel.

While many people heard and understood "Texas," the song was, in reality, about the little-known city of Texhebas. Texhebas (silent "HEB") was founded in 1865 by the Union Pacific Railroad Company as a company town for railroad workers. It is located at the precise center of the country (not the center of the country ...as you can find it on a map, but the real one. The center of the country that is designated on maps is a false one, designed to keep intruders from discovering the city. Upon seeing their great work completed, the Union Pacific employees found life empty, and bewildering, and the great city of Texhebas moved entirely underground. In the safety of their caverns, the people continued to build great railways under the surface of the Earth, a crisscrossing network of tracks that enables those who know of it to reach any point in the nation in just under three hours. This is, in fact, the great "Underground Railroad" made famous by Harriet Tubman.

Unfortunately, the inhabitants of Texhebas, insular as they were and so focused on their work, evolved over time, developing bodies that were uniquely suited to building railroads. With their burly forearms and keen depth perception, they seldom venture from their caves, realizing as they must how truly different they are. As they diverge increasingly from humanity, it becomes harder and harder to draw them from their underground metropolis, but about once every twenty or so years, when new railroads need building, the great rail companies send a single emissary, carrying a single suitcase, containing a single golden spike, similar to the final spike driven into the First Transcontinental Railroad. This humble offering reminds the people of the debt they still feel they owe to their "benefactors," and clambering out under cover of night, the build the tracks in secret, often in a single, fantastic night, before returning home.

The moral of the story is that while you cannot PRONOUNCE the "H-E-B" in Texas, it is absolutely ESSENTIAL to include it in the spelling. Otherwise, there would be no way to differentiate Texhebas from Texas, and as everyone knows, that would lead only to confusion, and chaos.